


Hold It In

by sweptaway



Category: Degrassi High, Degrassi Junior High
Genre: F/M, M/M, Period Typical Homophobia, and Alonzo's the boy he has a Huge crush on, and Tom is a violently homophobic bully on the same basketball team as Snake, brief/vague mentions of abusive parents !! as warning too, for some context, if you haven't read the books this will probably make No Sense but !!, in the books Snake is canonically bisexual :D, internalize biphobia, mentions of Melanie - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-08
Updated: 2020-06-08
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:35:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24602476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweptaway/pseuds/sweptaway
Summary: #SNAKE: whats bisexuality ive never heard of that
Relationships: Archibald "Snake" Simpson/Alonzo Garcia, Archibald "Snake" Simpson/Melanie Brodie
Comments: 5
Kudos: 8





	Hold It In

The most frustrating thing about all of this was he didn’t even know whether to call this a “crush”.

He’d had crushes before - of course he had. He’s a barely teenage boy in a school with too many kids( in his opinion ), it’d be impossible to not have some sort of draw to any amount of them.

Like Melanie. Melanie is sweet, and pretty. He talks to her and it’s like he’s walking on clouds when it’s successful, or like his breath catches in his throat in excitement even when it’s a total bomb. And then … when he talks to her, it’s like he can guess exactly what she’ll say next. They  _ know  _ each other. Of course, you could say he’s a good guesser, or you could say they hardly have any deep conversation beyond “Hey” “Hey” “How are you?” “I’ve been better”.

And that alone is why Snake refuses to deem whatever he has for Alonzo as a “crush”. He can talk to him, it’s  _ easy  _ to talk to him. How could he be gay when he talks to him like a friend he’s known forever? There’s nothing wrong with feeling those affectionate draws towards your friends, he always has, he’s always been a more sensitive kid, he knows that. What he wants from Alonzo is no different from what he wants from Joey; he wants to be friends, he wants to be close.

But then why does making that assessment make him feel sick? Make his stomach twist up, like he’s guilty? And it’s not because he’s lying, it’s because of comparing Joey to Alonzo at all. Not because they  _ are  _ the same, but because they couldn’t be more different, and having that knowledge - that intrusive thought, or whatever he’d deem it today - poke through and pester was nauseating. There were times he’d just curl up by the toilet and cry. Snake knew how weak that was, but he couldn’t figure out if he would actually throw up, or if  _ that  _ would build up too.

This had been going on for weeks now, and it hurt every time he tried to give it more than an ounce of thought. How stupid was he? What would he even do if he was gay? He’d be disowned. No - he’d be hit and yelled at and  _ then  _ disowned. His parents would lose their son. How disgusting is that.  
But how could he be straight if he thought like this? What straight boy thinks like that? How many times has Snake had to stop himself from feeding into the daydream about what it might feel like to just kiss Alonzo, just for a minute? Hold his cheek, run his fingers through the other boy’s hair, just a soft act of innocence.

It’s horrible.

Now is one of the many times Snake stops himself, and instead stares at the clean water inside the toilet bowl. That’s the only sturdy thing that he can pay attention to. The walls are too bare, all it does is let him think about how plain his parents are, how strict they are, or how many things have been thrown at bare walls and left the paint chipped. The water moves, it’s uncertain, but it’s something to focus on.

Alonzo wouldn’t care if he was straight or gay. He wouldn’t care at all. Alonzo is caring, and gentle. And he’s loud, he’s  _ funny,  _ he makes the day easier to get through when Tom had been particularly relentless. Because he couldn’t tell Joey, and no way would he tell Wheels, what kind of a subject is that? “Joey, do you think I’m one of those queers?” How could he  _ ever  _ say that? How could he even be sat here thinking it?

Snake moved now, hugging his knees to his chest. He didn’t even cry, much to his surprise. He wasn’t  _ sad,  _ he was frustrated. If he was gay, why couldn’t he just come out and admit it to himself? Get it over with.

_ I’m gay. _

It didn’t settle right. It made him  _ want _ to cry,  _ again  _ from frustration. It wasn’t right. He  _ liked  _ Melanie, he really did. He  _ does.  _ He still goes back to think about her and how soft her hands are, and how gentle her touch is. Alonzo and Melanie. How bad would it be to live in a world where he could like  _ both  _ of them?

Why can’t any of this be easy?


End file.
